“No one is perfect, Cassie.We all make mistakes.”
“I doubt it.You seem pretty damn perfect to me.”
Hudson laughed.“I’m one of the most screwed up people you’ll ever meet.”
“You couldn’t be.”
He sat down on the hardwood beside the couch.“Then, let me burst the bubble.When I was a kid, I fell head over heels in love with a girl.We were young, but it felt like the real deal.”He issued a sharp sigh, as if this next part still hurt to say.“I’ve never talked about her to anyone.Not even my family, so…”
She reached out to touch his hand in a show of support.He linked their fingers.His thumb made small circles in the palm of her hand.His touch was so light, so gentle, and yet so powerful for the effect it had on her body and soul.
“Her name was Adina,” he said, the words sounding thick in his throat.“We were nineteen and crazy about each other.She got sick.Really sick.And I blamed her for it.I told her she was leaving me on purpose.”He shook his head.“Those were some of the last words I said to her before she lost consciousness.”He took in a slow breath, closed his eyes tightly like he would be able to somehow shut out the pain that came with the memory.“I’d been watching her slip away for weeks, and I was losing my mind.We had our future planned out, and it felt like she was quitting on me, leaving me like everyone else in my life had.It broke me to watch the light in her slowly fizzle out.I never got a chance to tell her how sorry I was for being a jerk to her.In my desperation to save her, I found a variety of herbs and tonics online for her to try.She did, at first.Then nothing worked.She kept getting weaker.I tried harder to find something that would turn it around and give us the life together that we’d been planning since our second date.When she clamped her mouth shut, refusing to take yet another ‘miracle’ pill, I accused her of quitting me, too.”
“You were nineteen, Hudson.Not much more than a kid.”
He shook his head.“That’s no excuse for what I said to her.And I’ll never forgive myself for letting those be the last words she heard from me when I should’ve been reassuring her that whatever happened next, she was going to be okay.That she could let go.She didn’t have to keep fighting because I couldn’t handle the thought of losing the only person I’d ever loved.”
Tears sprang to Cassie’s eyes.She discreetly wiped them away.“I’m so sorry, Hudson.”
“You don’t have to be.”
“No, I don’t.But I am because you were doing your best, and you should forgive yourself for being young and naïve.”More tears leaked from her eyes, hot tears that left a trail as they rolled down her cheeks.
“I don’t deserve forgiveness.”
“Everyone does.”Those words sounded hollow even to her.
“Have you?Forgiven yourself?”
The fact he’d turned the tables caught her off guard.
“I’m a grown-ass adult,” she said quickly.Too quickly?“I should know better.”
“What’s the age limit on forgiving yourself?”he continued, again catching her off balance with his honest responses.
“It’s certainly not nineteen,” she said, thinking how she’d never truly forgiven herself for the closed adoption, for giving up her baby despite being seventeen and not having a clue about life or what it took to raise a child.She hadn’t been able to afford to feed herself without help.How was she supposed to buy baby formula for a child?“But we’re talking about you here, Hudson.Not me.”
“Right, because you’re off limits.”He let go of her hand, and she immediately missed his warmth.She missed the rough calluses against her skin.And she missed how his hand had covered hers so completely.
“I’m sorry,” was all she could manage before the flood of tears came.
The temptation toreach out to Cassie, to be her reassurance, was a physical ache.She’d closed off, and there wasn’t shit he could do about it.Frustration had him on his feet, pacing.Talking about Adina had been like opening up a vein.It hurt like hell to think about what a selfish jerk he’d been.“I need air.”
“Okay,” came the response as she sat up straighter and took in a deep breath.“I’ll be right here when you get back.”
Hudson made a beeline for the back door.He stepped outside and into the humid air.Breathing was like gulping from a spigot.No relief to be found out here.
He headed back inside, closed and locked the door behind him, and moved to the sink.Palms down, he braced himself against the cold granite countertop.A cramp tightened the knot in his chest.Decade-old pain, pain that had been stuffed down so deep that he’d almost convinced himself that it didn’t exist, surfaced.The intensity threatened to break him.
Adina had deserved better from him.The way they’d felt about each other had deserved more respect than he’d given it.Why the hell had he reacted with anger instead of being there for her like he should have been?
A wave of guilt crashed down on him, threatening to crush him under its weight.He didn’t talk about Adina to anyone.Ever.
“Hey.”Cassie’s voice was a whisper as she entered the room from behind him.He didn’t turn around.
She walked up behind him and looped her arms around his chest, holding onto him.
Not a word was spoken between them, but her presence calmed the storm brewing inside him.He just stood there.