"I found Club Red when I was nineteen.A Dom sponsored me.It wasn't sexual at first.He simply paid my fees.Gave me stability, rules, structure, and the ability to let everything else go and let someone else make decisions, if only for an hour or two.We never crossed a line, and eventually, we became friends.He still sponsors me.Says I remind him of his little sister."
Summer smiles gently."He sounds like a good man."
"He is."
"After him, I had play partners.It was exactly what I needed while in school.I wasn't prepared for Gage, but damn if I can walk away now," I say.Just the thought of having to walk away brings tears to my eyes.
"Let's talk about Gemma's wedding planning," I all but beg for a topic change.
Gemma takes a sip of her coffee, eyes narrowing thoughtfully."And in the middle of all this, I'm supposed to be planning my wedding.I finally broke down and accepted Carter's offer of hiring a wedding planner and turned it all over to her.Why did I think I could do it all myself?Carter had been a huge help, but it's been such a relief."
Summer laughs."You're lucky you have a fiancé who actually cares about color palettes.Mine thought lavender and plum were drinks because of the drink menu from the Club a few years back."
Summer's husband is Gemma's dad.It's been an unspoken rule when we talk like this, that Summer uses terms like 'fiancé' or 'husband' instead of Knox's name, so as not to creep Gemma out.
Gemma groans."He means well, but I swear, I just want one dinner where he isn't trying to suggest something for the wedding."
I smile, the warm banter easing some of the tension in my chest."At least you two have people backing you."
Gemma sets her cup down and reaches across the table to squeeze my hand."And you have us.We're your people."
"I know.”Trying to steer toward happier topics, I ask Summer what is going on in her life.
Summer twists her napkin and glances between us."I've been thinking...I might want a baby."
Gemma gasps, her eyes lighting up."Oh my God, Summer!Are you serious?"
Summer nods, a little shyly."Yeah.I mean, not right this second.But maybe after your wedding.It's just been on my mind a lot lately."
Gemma clasps her hands like she's ready to burst."That would be amazing!You'd be such a good mom.And I'd get to officially have a brother or sister, but be able to act more like the fun aunt.Oh!Our kids can grow up together.That will be a little weird but so fun!"
Summer laughs."Let's get through your vows first.But yeah, someday."
I watch them, warmth blooming in my chest.Moments like this, despite everything, remind me what connection feels like.What it means to belong somewhere.
My throat is tight listening to their banter."Thanks.I needed this more than I realized."
Summer grins."So, back to Gage..."
"He said I hide behind his professor persona.That I keep him at a distance with the rules."
"Do you?"Summer asks.
"Yeah, a little at least," I admit."Because if I let him all the way in, I don't know what will happen."
Gemma leans back."Maybe it's time to find out."
Summer nods."Do you think he wants something serious with you?"
I hesitate."I think he thinks he does.I'm nervous about being there."
"Do you want to meet him there?"Gemma asks.
"Yes," I whisper."God help me, I do."
That's the thing.I think I do.
With the conversation with my friends earlier on my mind, I walk into Club Red that night and I don't hesitate.I hand over my membership card, follow the familiar path through the lounge, past the bar, and up the elevator.