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“Hey.” Kinsey watched Cassidy carefully as she sat down next to her. “How’re you doing this morning?”
“Ugh,” Cassidy summed up. Kinsey nodded. The two of them watched the grass growing in silence for a while. Cassidy couldn’t stop focusing on the sound of her own nervous swallow, her mouth dry as a chip despite the hot sips of coffee. Finally she flung herself over the cliff she’d been teetering on. “Last night. Did we…?” she trailed off, unable to finish.
Kinsey’s eyes went wide. “No,” she denied, “absolutely not.”
Cassidy just about passed out from sheer relief.
“Okay,” she said. “Cool. I can’t remember anything, and I woke up in your bed and I just wasn’t entirely sure what happened-”
“Cass,” Kinsey said firmly. “I helped you to bed before you passed out. I would literally never have sex with someone that intoxicated. I’m your friend.”
“I know,” Cassidy said, nodding uncomfortably. “I trust you. Just, we were both drinking, and I was a mess and… maybe it’s me I don’t trust?” To her horror her chin began to tremble.
“Oh, honey,” Kinsey said, reaching out and giving her arm a small squeeze. “Nothing happened. Unless you count crying on my shoulder so hard I got snot marks.” Cassidy burst out in a small laugh despite her watering eyes and Kinsey smirked at her. “Besides, I stopped drinking after three beers. Someone had to keep an eye on you.”
She got up and ruffled Cassidy’s hair like she was a small child, then proceeded to cook her a giant greasy breakfast to soak up the hangover. Cassidy had never been more grateful for another human in all her life. When she finally felt like she could function again, she called Savannah’s driver, Burt, who picked her up and drove her to the downtown apartment Savannah kept. There was no way she wanted to return home to the compound where she normally lived with her family and Lane. It was now nothing but a huge empty mansion full of painful memories.
Cassidy let herself into the apartment with the key code Savannah had arranged for her, she caught herself in a heavy sigh. Of course any apartment her sister owned wouldn’t be like the cute little one Kinsey rented. Cassidy had imagined curling up in a small quiet living room and nursing her broken heart, snuggled up somewhere cosy and safe. Instead the damn thing was bigger than most people’s houses, spread out over two floors, including an epic kitchen, huge stone bathroom, three bedrooms and sweeping views out over the Nashville skyline. A goddamned penthouse.
She loved her sister, but did Savannah always have to be so extra? This was almost as epic and lonely as if she’d gone back to the compound, empty and echoing as she tiptoed from room to room. Still, when she opened the fridge it was stocked with fresh, pre-made meals from Savannah’s chef and there was a big bunch of beautiful flowers on the dining table. Her sister was still trying to care for her from afar, and Cassidy’s eyes pricked with grateful tears. It was a far cry from when she’d first left her childhood home, terrified, resentful and filled with pain, unsure what kind of reception her estranged sister might give her. But that was Savannah, always trying to give her a safe place to land.
Wrapped in a blanket against the chill, Cassidy sat out on the balcony, staring blindly out at the view, surrounded by the sounds of the city sprawled below her. She tried to see a way through things with Lane, but she just couldn’t. She loved them. She’d told them that. Even as she’d said the words, tiny and vulnerable, she’d felt Lane start to stiffen just the way she’d somehow known they would. And when they’d tried to hide it, she’d called them on it, and then instead of finding reassurance all she’d found was resistance, then a fight.
Somewhere despite all of this she was sure, deep in herself, that Lane loved her back. She hadn’t imagined the look in their eyes hundreds of times in the last half of a year, as they held her face, lying in bed together, unable to look away or kiss her without smiling. She didn’t know what the hell Lane’s problem was but she knew their eyes hadn’t lied. It had been on the tip of Cassidy’s tongue to say it first, so many times. But something inside her had always held her back, though whether it was weird gender role stuff in her head or anxiety about being so vulnerable, she couldn’t say. All she knew was that she’d finally said it and her world had crumbled.
No. Not her world. Cassidy sat up straight. Somewhere inside her was the girl who’d always declared that romance would not define her life. She was still the girl who’d only ever cared about music, about making it. She had the band. She had the beginnings of something magical. She had Kinsey. She would not fall apart because of love.
She picked up her phone and texted Hailey to tell her they were back early. Then she texted Kinsey.
Band practice? Tomorrow x
On her way to Kinsey’s the next afternoon Cassidy took a call from Hailey telling them she’d already nabbed a last minute opening slot for Friday night. Cassidy was pumped. Honestly, Lane could go fuck themself. She had this. Everything was going to work out just fine.
Kinsey gave her a hug hello which was nice, but also weird, because they’d only ever been occasional huggers. Was Cassidy that tragic now that she warranted sympathy hugs or were they just getting closer and closer all the time? She wasn’t sure, but either way, it felt good to be held, just for a second.
“Hey!” Cassidy said, feeling her face almost crack with the odd sensation of smiling for the first time in days. Kinsey, relaxed and beautiful as always, wore her hair up like she was ready to get down to business, an appealingly soft sweater falling off one shoulder.
“Are you sure you’re up for this?” Kinsey asked. “Cos it’s fine if you want a bit more time.”
“No way.” Cassidy told her about the gig on Friday. She’d already called Eliza and Franklin for an intensive practice session tomorrow so they could work through the new material they’d written in Vermont. “Let’s get back into this.”
“Okay,” said Kinsey. There was a small flicker of doubt in her eyes, which Cassidy was determined to extinguish.
She grabbed her guitar and Kinsey got behind her drum kit. She counted them down for a run through of their cute bright song Green Light Go, and Cassidy got two lines in and burst into tears.
“Ah,” said Kinsey. “Yeah.”
The song was their poppy hit from their first ever gig together. Cassidy had written it only weeks after she and Lane had got together, filled with excitement, lust and the beginnings of love.
“Shit,” she said through her tears. “No. It’s fine. I’ve got this.”
She took a deep breath, wiped her face and they started again. This time she made it nearly to the end of the first verse before her voice broke down.
“Honey,” said Kinsey, “let’s just take a break. There’s no need to rush this.”
“No.” Cassidy grabbed a tissue and blew her nose. “I’m not letting my stupid love life fuck up the band. We’ve got two days to be back in shape on stage.”
“So?” asked Kinsey with a shrug. “We don’t have to do that gig. We’ll get a ton more. Looking after you is more important.”