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Derek managed a cool chuckle in response. “If it isn’t Jake Murphy. Olive’s absentee roommate-slash-landlord.”
“Is that really all I am?” Jake’s cocky smirk nearly stopped Derek’s heart. Was this really happening?
“Yup.” Pretending that this was any hot guy, Derek plucked the drink from Jake’s hand. The straight gin burned his throat, but he suppressed his grimace, trying to look cool.
“Oh my god.” Olive jumped on her brother’s back. “Historic moment. It’s been years since you guys saw each other. Derek said he didn’t believe you still existed. And this is perfect. Look what I found today.” She grabbed a disposable camera from the counter, and it took Derek a second to remember when it was from. “Oooh. Three photos left.” She pushed Jake and Derek closer together and clicked the button before tossing the camera in the basket with her keys.
With an annoying burning behind his eyes, Derek slid the photos back into the sleeve.
He went upstairs. He’d grown up in this house, and one of the closets still held some of his old boxes. He didn’t even know why he was looking for it or why he’d stuck the folded piece of lined yellow paper into the book he’d had with him that night. He never finished reading that book.
Derek—
Guess you were still on your walk when I woke up??
Look—didn’t mean for last night to happen. But I don’t regret it either. I’m not in a great mental place right now, but I want you to know that last night meant something. Well, guess I’m saying it meant something to me. But I also really meant it when I said I’m not a good enough guy for you. I wish I was. Maybe I will be someday? You’re also Olive’s best friend, so this is complicated no matter what, but really you deserve better than just some shitty-ass maybe/someday guy. Sorry I had to duck out without seeing you. Early flight. Call me if you need anything as always.
—J
Derek slipped the worn yellow paper back between the book’s pages.
That word someday had been Derek’s excuse for years.
Someday Jake would be ready. The word maybe never seemed to register like it did right now.
When Jake moved to Frederick, the three of them grew closer than ever. A year and a half before Jake’s accident he joined a local hockey league. Got sober. Adopted Gus. There was a little less work travel. It seemed like Jake was trying to put down roots.
Was Derek naïve for seeing it all as a sign that someday was coming?
Yet even then, apprehension was always mixed with hope. Loving Jake had become a default. It had come as easily as his love for Olive—though it felt very different. Or at least, he thought it was different.
Casual became his default setting for everything else. Sex was sex, and he could have good sex whenever he wanted it without jeopardizing what might be. That had been his mode with Hudson and every other guy Derek had spent time with. Then after Jake was gone…
Nothing seemed like it mattered.
He had Olive and Amy and Amy’s kids, his mom, but… he didn’t have Michelle anymore. He didn’t have Jake anymore. He slipped his phone out of his pocket.
For a moment, he was struck by the strangest impulse.
He wanted to call his dad to ask him what he should do.
It had been years since Derek’s subconscious had been this much of an asshole.
Fuck you, subconscious.
His thumb hovered over Olive’s name before realizing he would need to explain a lot of other things to make any of his current feelings make sense.
Maybe all he needed was a friendly voice.
He dialed Amy. The sister who currently answered his calls.
A voice that wasn’t his sister’s answered. “Hi, Uncle Derek.”
“Hey, buddy.” He grinned at his oldest nephew’s precocious and oddly world-weary voice. “Is your mom around?”
“Yeah, she’s—”
Sounds of a tussle over the phone came with his sister’s muffled voice. “Noah, they’re going to send me to jail if you keep calling NASA and demanding—”