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His eyes dropped from mine. He was uncomfortable as I was.
“Am I not supposed to ask these questions?”
“No, of course, you can ask. You know you can ask or tell me anything. I just wasn’t expecting this tonight.” He straightened. “When I first chose you and I realized you didn’t want me in that way, I took a few others in the first weeks of your stay here. When I began to know you and desire you more intimately that behavior stopped. I haven’t been with anyone since you. I don’t plan on taking another into my bed, but if that time comes, I promise to be honest with you. No matter where you and I end up going, I will always make sure you are safe and well cared for.”
“And…if I get pregnant?” I asked, knowing the answer.
He grimaced. “I can’t have children with anyone except for my wife. You know this, Gen. It is our society’s way, and I can’t change that.”
I nodded, feeling the sting from hearing the words come out of his mouth. “So, I will never be a mother.” The word mother felt heavy as it rolled across my tongue.
“Is that something you wanted?”
“I don’t know. I never really thought about it. Before you, I never really thought of having a person to love or becoming a mother. It wasn’t important to me because I didn’t know I could feel this way for another. Yes, on some level I was lonely and desired a connection or some type of comradery, but I thought I would have time to decide.” We were silent for a few moments, not knowing what to say next.
“I know the humans and alfar have a different formality about relationships and marriages, but I want you to know that I do care about you. More than I thought I would. More than I thought I could,” he said, turning my face to his.
I looked into his eyes, feeling devastated at the thought of not being with him. “I know it’s not my place, but I don’t want to share you, Gaelin. Not even with her.” A small tear escaped my eye.
He caught it with his thumb, scooting closer to me. “I don’t want to be with her. You know I want to be here with you. When we are in here, nothing and no one out there matters. I am yours and you are mine.”
“How can you say that? I can’t even look at you outside of this room. I am nothing but your whore.”
“Don’t say that. You are not my whore. You never were and you never will be. Gen, I didn’t expect any of this. To feel the way I do for you. To care about you so deeply. Being with another sickens me and hurting you makes it even worse. I want to give you everything that your heart desires and I wish I could, but our world doesn’t allow me to do that.”
I dropped my face from his hand, knowing that the pain was only going to intensify as time continued. “I’m sorry for bringing this up. I’m just still not sure how to feel. I’ve spent my whole life watching humans fall in love, raise families, and dying at each other's sides. Having mistresses or sharing partners is looked down upon in The Frey. This is all foreign to me and my emotions are getting the better of me.”
He took my hand. “I’ve never been in love before and I’ve rarely seen it, but believe me when I say, I’ve never felt for another what I feel for you. You’re a light in every sense of the word. I want to make you happy to the best of my abilities if you will allow me the chance. I know I can’t give you the life you deserve, but I promise the life I will give you will be full of happiness.”
I smiled. Nothing I could say would change our situation. Better to hold onto the small moments of heaven in this hell. I took his face in my hands and kissed him gently. This was my life. This was who I was and all I was ever going to be unless I found a way to escape. I would have to learn to share him. I would have to learn to look the other way if he chose another to warm his bed. I would have to learn how to survive, but most importantly, I would have to learn how to shield myself from falling in love with him.
An alfar who could offer me nothing but fleeting moments of happiness. Play the game and survive. Just until I could escape. But leaving would mean letting him go.
I pushed him back onto the bed, straddling him as I unbuttoned my dress. He watched my every movement. As the dress slid down my body, leaving me naked and exposed, he ran his hand down my neck to my chest, touching the small star pendant. I leaned into him, taking his mouth as I removed the last article of clothing from his body. That night I distracted myself in ecstasy, not dwelling on what I couldn’t have, but focusing on what I did.
I awoke violently from a dream, sweating and panting, out of breath. I looked over at Gaelin; still sound asleep. I crawled out of bed and leaned against the balcony, allowing the night breeze to cool the moisture that covered my skin. I closed my eyes, reliving the images that flashed through my head. Dark soldiers in the light court’s throne room. Violence and manipulation. War and death.
I tried to sift out the memories of the dream to make a clear image appear. I could see Gaelin’s face, tense with worry. A darker-haired male approached him, smiling with satisfaction as if he was taunting Gaelin. I felt the tension between Gaelin and myself as if something was coming between us, but what, I could not see. A banquet or celebration was being held in the throne room. Food and wine lined every table. I could see dark alfar soldiers eating with the light. As I focused on the event, my hand suddenly cramped with pain. I pulled it against my body and took a few deep breaths, trying to keep quiet.
I didn’t know what was happening or why I would have a dream like that, but something about it felt real and familiar. Gods, I wished I could talk to Lily. She could always help me sort through the mess that was my own head. I took one more look up at the stars before crawling back into bed. I closed my eyes, willing myself to have a peaceful sleep, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something or someone was coming.
I didn’t get much sleep for the rest of the night. I got up before Gaelin and started on my chores for the day. I was able to escape during lunch, using the excuse that I needed to find herbs for Gaelin to get away from the hustle and bustle of the court. I found a field of lavender and laid down among the familiar scent. Images of my mother began to play from my memory.
Her kind and loving smile. The creases around her eyes as she laughed while I danced for her. The way her kiss felt on my forehead. The sound of her voice as she sang me to sleep. I missed her so much. I wanted her to appear to me now more than I had in the past eleven years. She had gone through this and survived, but how? I cried softly until my body tired, and I fell asleep amid the comforting purple blossoms.
Something rough scratched along my lower cheek. The strong nudge jolted me awake, and I could feel hot breath as something panted against my skin. I slowly realized I was no longer alone in the lavender field. I opened my eyes slowly to see a scaled muzzle with two large nostrils hovering over me.
I scooted out from underneath it cautiously. The creature backed away from me and I saw the yellow and black of its slitted eyes, like a reptile’s. Its body was full of scales ranging in color from green to red, to purple. The creature's toes were long with clawed hooks for nails. Sharp, needle-like teeth hung down out of its mouth.
It never took its eyes off me as it tilted its head in curiosity. I slowly got to my feet, realizing I very well could be dead at any moment. The creature began to stomp its feet as two massive wings sprang from either side of its back. Its tail whipped at the ground, sending the grass and lavender plants into the air. It was some type of small dragon.
I dropped back to the ground and curled into a protective position. I was barely able to breathe. I could still feel its shimmering eyes on me, studying me. A few moments went by before it moved closer to me, its warm breath on the back of my neck. It slowly bent down its scaled rough snout to my head and nudged me again. When I didn’t respond, it repeated the motion, letting out a small whine.
I couldn’t stay here and wait for it to get hungry. Against my own body's protest, I lifted my head, shaking every inch that I rose. I sat back on my knees, making eye contact with the dragon. It looked at me for a moment and then brought its head gently to mine. I closed my eyes, waiting for the teeth to snap my head off, but instead, it nuzzled against me like a dog. I tried steadying my breath as it pulled away from me. Still shaking, I took a chance and stretched out my arm as it lowered its head to my hand, taking in my touch.
The scales were rough and ridged, yet smooth in certain areas. Realizing I wasn’t going to be its dinner, I stood and took a step closer. I ran my hands across its neck, studying the magnificent creature I had only ever heard tales of. Two horns protruded from its head, black as night. As I peered into its eyes, a loud whistle sounded from afar. The dragon snapped its head up, backing away from me before flaring its wings to take off. I fell to the ground from the massive force of wind. The beast soared into the sky.
I got to my feet without a second thought and took off back to the palace. I ran through the halls, trying to find Gaelin or Levos to tell them what I had just seen. Both the alfar and the humans seemed to be on edge, which was out of norm, but I didn’t care. I had to tell someone what had just happened. I rounded the corner towards Gaelin’s chambers and was caught by Levos’s strong arms. He slammed me against the wall without warning.